Why’d you leave?

That’s the 10 dollar question.

I’ve recently stopped riding with my little group, people I grew to love and enjoy sharing not only my passion for riding but also many great chats / laughs. I left the group chat, no more riding with them either as a group or individually.

Basically one person in the group decided to take a dig at my weight. It’s something I’ve dealt with for many years in every aspect of my life and have even discussed here before. I am a hefty woman. The people who know me the best understand this is the LEAST important fact about me there could be. There is a lot to me besides how much I weigh.

It’s not the first time and it sure as shit won’t be the last. Only the way I deal with such people has changed over the years. I have no time or inclination to keep seeing these type of people and let them eat away at what little self confidence I do have.

It’s not news to me that I need to lose weight. I do not look in the mirror and think there is nothing to work on. And I don’t let my weight dictate what I can and can’t do. I dance. I ride. I have sex. I love food. I love my friends and family. I get up to mischief. I socialise.

There are things I can’t do. I’m not trying to do those things and riding doesn’t fit into this category of things I’m physically unable to do. It’s not that someone poked shit at me for being fat, I am fat, not denying it. It’s that this is all they can see about me. Sad for them, not so much for me.

So I disengaged from the group. I’m done with that person and won’t ride with them. If I see them again in my lifetime, it would be too soon. It’s not even a sudden shift they have been getting progressively rude and obnoxious over time. I just had enough and won’t put up with shit cunts. Gbye boy. And you are a boy, men don’t act like that.

I’ve been accused of being a sook, too sensitive, a goose, silly, having a bad day, drama queen, sulky, spoilt, precious and being on my period. Naww, y’all are sweet but no. I deserve better people in my life. I’ve always tried to help others, why should I have to deal with shit? Grow up.

So what do I think the issue is? Many, not one. Since I’ve upgraded to R class bike the snippy attitude revealed itself more and more. It’s misogyny. It’s jealousy. It’s fat shaming/hating (I wasn’t asking or hoping to fuck you, no danger of that ever being the case lol). Hiding behind cultural beliefs excuse. But we all know … it’s being a shit cunt.

So I retreat back into my safety zone of riding with just Mr. He’s by far my favourite to ride with. He’s more than just my riding mate – he’s the father of my kids, my teenage sweetheart, my best friend, my lover and number 1 supporter. My constant companion for nearly 30 years. It’s for his sake I wish I had started riding sooner … oh the adventures we would have had!

I noticed my stress levels have decreased not having to make an effort with group rides, being anxious about routes and destinations. I’m sad because I miss the wider group. However my mental health has to come first.

At one point I wanted to sell G Force because of the comment. I was in tears at just the thought of saying goodbye to her. A bike I love with everything I have in my heart for bikes. Everyone said no don’t sell it. My self belief was at the lowest point it’s been for a very long time. I was not worthy of my bike both aesthetically and skill wise. It had never bothered me until someone helped me connect the way I look with being deserving of her.

After several days of crying I decided to keep riding. To spite him and all the people just like him. To get back to believing in me, even if no one else did. To appreciate all the GOOD things about me. To celebrate how much I love riding. To become the rider I want to be. To show anyone and everyone that fat people can do things, even if it doesn’t look as pretty.

I still have shit days when that comment sneaks back into my conscious thoughts. All the doubts I have about myself creep in until I can’t breathe. Where I miss the folks I was riding with (terribly). The days I feel good about riding and about the decision I made to leave the group outnumber these days 10 to 1. Easily.

I see now I don’t need them, I don’t need anyone. I’m me. Like it or fuck off are your 2 options there and I don’t care which one it is. Take me as I am, at least I’m not a fake ass undercover cock sucker 🤷🏻‍♀️. If I only succeed to piss you off then that’s fine with me. If I achieve greater, even better.

Sleep awaits me. I will dream of endless corners with perfect cambers and no hazards lol. Take care, ride safe peeps.